Guess Who Called?
Yep, he did, yesterday. I thought I was mentally prepared for it--I knew it was (probably) coming, had planned out what I would say, etc. etc., but actually hearing his voice kind of threw me for a loop. It had been two and a half months, and it was just very weird. He didn't even sound like himself . . . except he managed to retain the patronizing tone he had adopted for all of our "discussions" toward the end of the relationship.
We didn't talk for very long. He asked how I was doing, but since I knew he was really only calling about the taxes, I had a hard time taking his alleged concern seriously. Plus, there's the whole patronizing thing--if anything, I should be concerned about him. He's the one who totally freaked out at the end and started acting completely irrationally, not me.
Anyway, I was kind of in a daze during the phone call, and the more I think about the conversation now, the more irritated I become. I didn't respond the way I should have/wanted to, and it's only in retrospect that I realize how manipulative the whole thing was on his part. Here are some of the highlights, with comments:
*He thinks we really need to do something about the taxes this week, since they're due next Monday. [Thank you, Mr. Obvious! Have I not been trying for weeks to get you to do something?] Apparently, his attorney had not informed him that I had filed already--glad to see that there is consistency across the board with these attorneys. So, we talked about going to a tax prep place one night this week. Which night? That hasn't been decided yet--more on this in a bit.
*He asked how work was going, and when I replied that it was going very well, he said he was glad, because he's "always respected me as an editor." So I guess the subtext of this comment is that he doesn't respect me in any other way any more, but as far as my editorial skills go, we're still good! That is just really, really heartwarming.
*He asked how the cats were doing and wanted to make sure I "hadn't lost one of them yet." You know, because I'm so unreliable and such a bad pet mother, and I can't be trusted to take care of "his" dog.
*Speaking of whom, I asked how Josie was doing, and he said she was "O.K., but a little lonely," because he "doesn't have time to take care of her as well as before," since he's doing it on his own. (Because, you know, he always took care of her all by himself. All those times I fed her and walked her and took her to the vet were just figments of my imagination.) All of which, of course, is my fault. Because if I had just changed completely into a happy little quiet domesticated wife and mother like he'd wanted me to, everything would be hunky-dory right now. (Yes, it has occurred to me to wonder why he wanted me to have a kid so much when he doesn't even trust me to take care of pets.)
*I mentioned I would like to see Josie, and he started in on this elaborate plan in which he would take her over to the house of some mutual friends one night and I could go visit her there. I said I wasn't going to do that, and he said we could talk about it later.
All of which led to him saying he would give me a couple days to think about things, and he would then call me at work on Monday. And I stupidly agreed.
Why, why did I do that? Why am I allowing him to have all the control over when we talk and what we talk about? And I should not have agreed to let him call me at work, because that throws off my concentration, which I can't afford right now.
Well, I do have his number now, stored in my cell phone from when he called me. I'm thinking I should call or e-mail him and tell him to just pick a night, and that would be that.
Oh, he also mentioned that he wants to talk after we do the taxes. He wants to talk, now. He's ready, so we can talk. So it's all about him. As usual.
We didn't talk for very long. He asked how I was doing, but since I knew he was really only calling about the taxes, I had a hard time taking his alleged concern seriously. Plus, there's the whole patronizing thing--if anything, I should be concerned about him. He's the one who totally freaked out at the end and started acting completely irrationally, not me.
Anyway, I was kind of in a daze during the phone call, and the more I think about the conversation now, the more irritated I become. I didn't respond the way I should have/wanted to, and it's only in retrospect that I realize how manipulative the whole thing was on his part. Here are some of the highlights, with comments:
*He thinks we really need to do something about the taxes this week, since they're due next Monday. [Thank you, Mr. Obvious! Have I not been trying for weeks to get you to do something?] Apparently, his attorney had not informed him that I had filed already--glad to see that there is consistency across the board with these attorneys. So, we talked about going to a tax prep place one night this week. Which night? That hasn't been decided yet--more on this in a bit.
*He asked how work was going, and when I replied that it was going very well, he said he was glad, because he's "always respected me as an editor." So I guess the subtext of this comment is that he doesn't respect me in any other way any more, but as far as my editorial skills go, we're still good! That is just really, really heartwarming.
*He asked how the cats were doing and wanted to make sure I "hadn't lost one of them yet." You know, because I'm so unreliable and such a bad pet mother, and I can't be trusted to take care of "his" dog.
*Speaking of whom, I asked how Josie was doing, and he said she was "O.K., but a little lonely," because he "doesn't have time to take care of her as well as before," since he's doing it on his own. (Because, you know, he always took care of her all by himself. All those times I fed her and walked her and took her to the vet were just figments of my imagination.) All of which, of course, is my fault. Because if I had just changed completely into a happy little quiet domesticated wife and mother like he'd wanted me to, everything would be hunky-dory right now. (Yes, it has occurred to me to wonder why he wanted me to have a kid so much when he doesn't even trust me to take care of pets.)
*I mentioned I would like to see Josie, and he started in on this elaborate plan in which he would take her over to the house of some mutual friends one night and I could go visit her there. I said I wasn't going to do that, and he said we could talk about it later.
All of which led to him saying he would give me a couple days to think about things, and he would then call me at work on Monday. And I stupidly agreed.
Why, why did I do that? Why am I allowing him to have all the control over when we talk and what we talk about? And I should not have agreed to let him call me at work, because that throws off my concentration, which I can't afford right now.
Well, I do have his number now, stored in my cell phone from when he called me. I'm thinking I should call or e-mail him and tell him to just pick a night, and that would be that.
Oh, he also mentioned that he wants to talk after we do the taxes. He wants to talk, now. He's ready, so we can talk. So it's all about him. As usual.
posted by flipper at 10:04 AM
3 Comments:
The Idiot did this to me too...but you probably know that since you read my story. I remember going along with it because I wanted everything to be easy. But it was no different than our relationship ever was...he had to control it.
And he TOTALLY thinks we would be happily married if I had just realized how great I had it with him and been happy (felt lucky) to be with him. Oh...and let's not forget that I can't have any opinions that aren't his...
Go with your gut...if you think you should call and set a time because it will balance out the control...do it. Looking back, there are a lot of times I wish I'd done exactly that...but I went along with things just because he said that's how they'd be.
Be strong. It's gonna be tough if he wants to talk now.
Thanks, Jenn. I know you're right--his wanting to talk now just makes me think that he's lined up his ammunition and is anxious to fire away. But what difference does it make now? The divorce settlement is ironed out, there are no kids . . . I literally never have to speak to him again after we sign the papers, so he doesn't actually HAVE any ammunition if I don't give it to him. That's what I'm trying to keep in mind right now.
There is no reason to give in, or be coerced into anything. You should do exactly what you feel that YOU want to do. The biggest problems will be the regrets which result from not following your own feelings. This is not to say that you can't decide to compromise, or de cordial. The central theme should be that YOU made the decision to (fill in the blank as necessary).
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