The Last Post
Well, it's over.
S. and I met this morning at my attorney's office, along with S's attorney and a judge. The whole thing took about 15 minutes. I am now officially a free woman again, for what it's worth.
I don't even know if anyone's going to read this post, since I haven't written in so long and I suspect most people have stopped checking in by now. However, I feel I need to put closure on this blog. It served its purpose for a while, and it was good to have an outlet for the conflicting, often devastating emotional ups and downs I've experienced over the last several months. Now, however, it's time to just get on with my life. I have a lot of work to do in that regard, and it will no longer help me to dwell on this situation.
S. and I have been communicating a bit more over the last couple of months, mostly by e-mail. (O.K., actually, totally by e-mail.) We were kind of going back and forth a lot, not really getting anywhere . . . a lot like our attempts to communicate when we were still together, actually. For those of you who don't know, his letter that threw me for a loop was one in which he suggested we go to counseling together, to help both of us figure out how we screwed things up so royally and help us avoid the same mistakes in the future. I nixed that idea, feeling that individual counseling would work better, and I still feel that way. However, I also recognize that S. and I left a lot of things unresolved, and it might be beneficial to talk it out a bit, as long as neither of us feels threatened by the process. And I feel we can do that now, now that all the papers are signed and there's no ulterior agenda on either of our parts. The fact is, we do still care about each other, and there's no reason for us to be enemies now.
I'm just starting to realize, now, how much this whole thing has affected me, and how I haven't always been honest with myself about it. I think I was putting up a front for a long time, a front that involved blaming him mostly, when actually, I felt horribly guilty all along. The fact is, we both messed up--in different ways, to different degrees, but we both had (have, actually) things in our pasts that make us pretty screwed up as far as relationships are concerned. We are both children of divorce, from noncommunicative families with histories of depression and other serious problems. Neither of us ever saw a model of a healthy, happy relationship while growing up. We both had to pretty much take care of ourselves from an early age, and we both have serious issues about trusting people--which translates to not being very trustworthy ourselves, not to mention not trusting ourselves to start with. The truth is, I don't think we ever had a real shot, not without some intervention way before we actually gave it a try. The only positive thing to do now is to try to learn from our mistakes, rather than get bogged down in bitterness and resentment.
To that end, we went out for coffee after our hearing today, and we had a long, good talk. I finally got a sense--which I had not before--that he really does recognize his role in the demise of our relationship, and that made our conversation much more open and honest. In fact, we talked in a way that we never did when we were married, and especially not in the last several months when everything was falling apart. It felt good to talk to him again, and I feel now like a burden has been lifted somewhat . . . a burden I didn't even realize was there.
Don't worry--we're not harboring delusions of getting back together. It's too late for that, and it's not what I want, anyway. (I can't speak to his feelings about that, really--but I do think that he recognizes that what he thinks he might want isn't necessarily what's best.) We're just trying to get to the point where we can be friends and help each other, if that's possible. I don't know what the future has in store for us, but forgiveness, on both sides, seems like a good place to start.
O.K., before this post spirals down into a pit of psychobabble, I'm going to sign off. Thanks for reading, and for all the support I've gotten from so many of you. And please keep reading The Other Blog--hopefully, I'll be able to do a better job of keeping that one up, now that I don't have sit and stew over writing--or not writing--in this one.
Peace out--H.
(P.S. To certain people whom I've made worry about me--and probably get pretty pissed off at me--over some recent incidents, I am truly sorry. I know I've been behaving stupidly. I think the finality of my divorce and everything it entails has been affecting me more than I let on, and more than I admitted to myself. I'm vowing here and now to shape up--I promise. I'm sorry, and I care about you all more than you can know.)
S. and I met this morning at my attorney's office, along with S's attorney and a judge. The whole thing took about 15 minutes. I am now officially a free woman again, for what it's worth.
I don't even know if anyone's going to read this post, since I haven't written in so long and I suspect most people have stopped checking in by now. However, I feel I need to put closure on this blog. It served its purpose for a while, and it was good to have an outlet for the conflicting, often devastating emotional ups and downs I've experienced over the last several months. Now, however, it's time to just get on with my life. I have a lot of work to do in that regard, and it will no longer help me to dwell on this situation.
S. and I have been communicating a bit more over the last couple of months, mostly by e-mail. (O.K., actually, totally by e-mail.) We were kind of going back and forth a lot, not really getting anywhere . . . a lot like our attempts to communicate when we were still together, actually. For those of you who don't know, his letter that threw me for a loop was one in which he suggested we go to counseling together, to help both of us figure out how we screwed things up so royally and help us avoid the same mistakes in the future. I nixed that idea, feeling that individual counseling would work better, and I still feel that way. However, I also recognize that S. and I left a lot of things unresolved, and it might be beneficial to talk it out a bit, as long as neither of us feels threatened by the process. And I feel we can do that now, now that all the papers are signed and there's no ulterior agenda on either of our parts. The fact is, we do still care about each other, and there's no reason for us to be enemies now.
I'm just starting to realize, now, how much this whole thing has affected me, and how I haven't always been honest with myself about it. I think I was putting up a front for a long time, a front that involved blaming him mostly, when actually, I felt horribly guilty all along. The fact is, we both messed up--in different ways, to different degrees, but we both had (have, actually) things in our pasts that make us pretty screwed up as far as relationships are concerned. We are both children of divorce, from noncommunicative families with histories of depression and other serious problems. Neither of us ever saw a model of a healthy, happy relationship while growing up. We both had to pretty much take care of ourselves from an early age, and we both have serious issues about trusting people--which translates to not being very trustworthy ourselves, not to mention not trusting ourselves to start with. The truth is, I don't think we ever had a real shot, not without some intervention way before we actually gave it a try. The only positive thing to do now is to try to learn from our mistakes, rather than get bogged down in bitterness and resentment.
To that end, we went out for coffee after our hearing today, and we had a long, good talk. I finally got a sense--which I had not before--that he really does recognize his role in the demise of our relationship, and that made our conversation much more open and honest. In fact, we talked in a way that we never did when we were married, and especially not in the last several months when everything was falling apart. It felt good to talk to him again, and I feel now like a burden has been lifted somewhat . . . a burden I didn't even realize was there.
Don't worry--we're not harboring delusions of getting back together. It's too late for that, and it's not what I want, anyway. (I can't speak to his feelings about that, really--but I do think that he recognizes that what he thinks he might want isn't necessarily what's best.) We're just trying to get to the point where we can be friends and help each other, if that's possible. I don't know what the future has in store for us, but forgiveness, on both sides, seems like a good place to start.
O.K., before this post spirals down into a pit of psychobabble, I'm going to sign off. Thanks for reading, and for all the support I've gotten from so many of you. And please keep reading The Other Blog--hopefully, I'll be able to do a better job of keeping that one up, now that I don't have sit and stew over writing--or not writing--in this one.
Peace out--H.
(P.S. To certain people whom I've made worry about me--and probably get pretty pissed off at me--over some recent incidents, I am truly sorry. I know I've been behaving stupidly. I think the finality of my divorce and everything it entails has been affecting me more than I let on, and more than I admitted to myself. I'm vowing here and now to shape up--I promise. I'm sorry, and I care about you all more than you can know.)
posted by flipper at 2:28 PM
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