A Snapshot of Life With S.
I don't have anything new to report, but I did want to take this opportunity to relate a little story that ties in with an entry on my other blog. The following describes one of the last interactions S. and I had before we made The Decision.
It was a weekend day, and S. got up before I did (an extreme rarity) and was in the kitchen making coffee. When I got out of bed, my back was killing me. (As you'll read in the other blog, I've had sporadic back problems for years.) Since my back is often sore, I would usually shrug it off and not say anything, but on this particular day, it was bad. So I walked into the kitchen, where S. was now pouring a cup of coffee for himself and had his back to me. I was rubbing my back, and I made a comment about how it was really killing me, that it was a lot worse than usual. S., without saying anything or even turning around and acknowledging my existence, took his cup of coffee and walked into the living room. Just left the room without a word.
A little offended, I followed him and asked him whether or not he cared at all. I think my exact words were, "Do you care at all about what I was just telling you? Or do you just totally not care, at all?"
And his response: "I don't know what you want me to say. Your back always hurts, and it's your own fault because you don't do anything about it. Nothing I say is going to help."
And see, that's where he was very very wrong, and where he just doesn't get it. It would have helped, a lot, if he had just said, "I'm sorry your back hurts, honey. Would you like some coffee? Maybe we could go for a walk later--that might help." Something along those lines. Something loving and supportive. Is it just totally naive of me to want that in a partner?
I would welcome comments on this. Really, is it asking too much?
It's worth noting that I might understand his actions if I was a perpetual whiner about my back problems. If I bitched and moaned about it all the time, then I can see where he would get tired of propping me up constantly. But I almost never said anything, unless it was really bad. Before that particular day, I don't think I'd mentioned anything about my back for about six months. Just to put things in perspective.
It was a weekend day, and S. got up before I did (an extreme rarity) and was in the kitchen making coffee. When I got out of bed, my back was killing me. (As you'll read in the other blog, I've had sporadic back problems for years.) Since my back is often sore, I would usually shrug it off and not say anything, but on this particular day, it was bad. So I walked into the kitchen, where S. was now pouring a cup of coffee for himself and had his back to me. I was rubbing my back, and I made a comment about how it was really killing me, that it was a lot worse than usual. S., without saying anything or even turning around and acknowledging my existence, took his cup of coffee and walked into the living room. Just left the room without a word.
A little offended, I followed him and asked him whether or not he cared at all. I think my exact words were, "Do you care at all about what I was just telling you? Or do you just totally not care, at all?"
And his response: "I don't know what you want me to say. Your back always hurts, and it's your own fault because you don't do anything about it. Nothing I say is going to help."
And see, that's where he was very very wrong, and where he just doesn't get it. It would have helped, a lot, if he had just said, "I'm sorry your back hurts, honey. Would you like some coffee? Maybe we could go for a walk later--that might help." Something along those lines. Something loving and supportive. Is it just totally naive of me to want that in a partner?
I would welcome comments on this. Really, is it asking too much?
It's worth noting that I might understand his actions if I was a perpetual whiner about my back problems. If I bitched and moaned about it all the time, then I can see where he would get tired of propping me up constantly. But I almost never said anything, unless it was really bad. Before that particular day, I don't think I'd mentioned anything about my back for about six months. Just to put things in perspective.
posted by flipper at 7:21 PM
5 Comments:
btw, i forgot to tell you i hope you feel better. and if meds aren't doing any good, you need pain killers, serious percocets.
anyhoo, it is not too much to ask. actually, those are pretty low expectations.
however, others are often clueless about your pain. they just can't understand. i have "some" experience with this problem. long story, different medium.
get an mri!!!
NO WAY! You should totally be able to count on your partner for emotional support...and maybe even a back rub!
I had a soft-tissue injury in my back - took about 4 years to heal. It's a real bitch! I'm sorry for your pain...
as his wife
as the person you are
(and even as a human fucking being, for that matter)
you deserve better
I thougt support, understanding, and help were what having a partner is all about. And if it hurts all the time, that's when you need the support even more. So no, you're definitely not wrong when you expect it.
you know my stories about sensitivity, even regarding death. I try to think of what causes their reactions and at that point I no longer understand. You will drive yourself crazy trying to. Choose to try to understand when others give you that kind of information or speak of their pain to you. They are hurting too and just need your ear or a bit of lubbin. Is lubbin a word?
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